This week is full of chaos.
Being the perfectionist that I am, I still get caught up in the belief that my recovery has to be PERFECT. I think that since I am doing well now and since I am healthier and living a more balanced life, there is no room for error. I think that everyone will be disappointed in me if I have a momentary slip-up, get sad, angry or overwhelmed. That after having the third in a row chaotic day I will scream and cry of despair in wanting to binge and then throw up. So, if I do get stuck in the moment when I’m trying to decide whether to binge, I usually just want to hide – even more now than when I was totally in my eating disorder.
But the reality is that everyone has bad days. Everyone gets overwhelmed and tired and scared. The craving does not mean that I am 100% living my life with my eating disorder again.
At the same time, there is a really fine line. Is it okay to excuse one behavior; like throwing up just this once, because I just choose not to deal with the bad stuff in life? For me, it isn’t. I do not want to deal with these same situations for the rest of my life. Even when I feel as if I can’t deal with life.
At the same time, there is a really fine line. Is it okay to excuse one behavior; like throwing up just this once, because I just choose not to deal with the bad stuff in life? For me, it isn’t. I do not want to deal with these same situations for the rest of my life. Even when I feel as if I can’t deal with life.
I am not perfect, and my journey is not without a few wrong turns.
It’s only 5pm in the afternoon, but I’m opening my wine and having a long wine evening. In peace.
How do you deal with difficult days?
Oh Greta! You will be ok! Think about how much better you are doing than in your crazy bulimic days!
ReplyDeleteI really need to excersise after difficult days. Even if it is just a walk or yoga or something, that seems to be the only thing that can calm me down and get my head off the crazy anxious carousel.
Wine helps as well though :)
OMG, how could I forget about the exercise? Thank, you Eliza!!! I guess tonight I’ll run into some Zumba class. For fun.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE zumba! But the only teacher in my town quit :( Hope you had fun!
ReplyDeleteyoga! i posted slower moves today, so i hope you enjoy them!
ReplyDeleteand an old film from the 1940s. or something indie on IFC.
and of course, wine.
i love that you eat green olives with your wine! i eat green olives with my martinis. :)
have a very nice day, my very good friend.
xx
Your yoga sound s pretty exciting. If I won’t make to the zumba class tonight I promise to try your slower version.
ReplyDelete