At the end of October me and my boy are planning to hit the Africa – Egypt and Morocco, I believe. The sun the sea and sandy beaches are the things that we, cold climate country people are looking for in the middle of autumn.
And I’M NOT EXCITED AT ALL.
I fear bikini.
I am repulsed by undressing in front of people.
Even my BF. Ok, not so much in front of him, but still... HATE IT.
I despise to be looked at, examined, judged…
And it doesn’t matter what weight I am.
And again – it matters, because the scale says – EAT! You’re not gaining! You look sick!
Earlier this year while visiting Austria and being 7 months in recovery, eating healthy and enjoying life, I was called anorexic. Damn, it was hurtful. I had never been true anorexic. Well maybe for a couple of months. And I had never attempted to be one. I truly frowned on looking at the images of the ones who suffer from this awful disease. It is unbearable. Yet I looked like one…
Today I weight the same.
Do you think I would look good in a bikini?..
So that’s only one of things that affect my not so good mood in my not so good week while I’m trying to figure out how to escape out of it.
Today I did Zumba instead of weight lifting.
Had a wonderful salmon salad for lunch.
And after a couple of rice cakes with tuna on top
I’m thinking of what to have for dinner…
nevertheless still fearing the bikini and the coming vocation in the south...
How do you feel in your bikini?
i haven't come close to wearing a bikini since traveling with my englishman to the caribbean in 2007. i didn't eat the entire week. i wore a bikini top in one of my blog photos a few months ago, but i like my arms and abs, so ok. but the legs gross me out and shall always. your salmon salad looks scrumptious. i think that you eat a very healthy amount and that you are just naturally thin. do you think so? (but then again, always take my opinion with a grain of salt because i have no credibility whatsoever in aesthetics and do not want to ever be offensive, but here i'm complimenting you). my cousin is the same way, and she's gorgeous! last week was my bad week. i hope that you have a nice sushi and vogue night on friday. that is my plan. :)
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe, that you have issues about wearing a bikini. You have an amazing body. You look so slim and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI don’t mind gaining 10 pounds (I wish of muscle) and I’m slowly adding weight. But if I have some stressful days – the weight melts right away… on being naturally lean – guess I am, despite my disorder I’ve never been a big girl.
I can’t wait to have another sushi vogue night. Today I’ve watched the new Chanel fashion show. Karl presented another collection to dream about. I’m so in love with fashion, as much as you are my friend, or even more... Let's have sushi tomorrow.
I hate the thought of wearing a bikini. I just can't imagine doing it. I guess I will have to a some point though. I am going travelling soon too!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can just enjoy all the exciting things you will be doing and forget about your body :S It will be fun!
But I totally get it. Bikinis are a cruel invention. Why cant we just wear baggy wetsuits? Seriously. hehe.
I would love a baggy wetsuit to be the next fashion trend. Just dreaming.
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