Thursday, December 15, 2011

I am on a Diet

So last Tuesday I woke up in the middle of the night with lower right ab pain that was excruciating. After several tests in the er, I was wheeled into surgery 5 pm weds, had laparoscopic appendectomy and due to my "so low body fat" (as I was told) I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days. After the procedure I've only had ice chips. When I was finally able to eat, I was given full sugar jello, yogurt, soda and a couple of other high carb items - unacceptable!!!!!!
I was shaking consuming those; however I followed the doctor’s orders.

Since I had returned home I’m still on the after appendectomy diet:
I’m having lots of those

Can’t complain, they taste good.

Homemade chicken broth.


As well as yogurt and cottage cheese even though I quit dairy quite a while

 and for todays’ special tuna salad with spinach, mustard and olive oil.

I hope to be able to return to myusual diet very soon as well as to the gym.

And, God,  I miss my wine…

Have you ever had to go on a diet due to some health issues or operations?
How did you feel?

Monday, December 12, 2011

I have been ill

I have just come back from the hospital.
Had my appendicitis removed.
Still weak, still in bed.
It’s nice always to have someone by my side… or on my lap.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Voices

I must confess that since the bulimia had started I could never escape the screaming voices in my head. Almost always after eating something that felt remotely bad my mind used to erupt into a deafening tirade of insults, anxiety, and sheer panic that I was killing myself or, worse, that I was gaining what would surely be about 100 pounds that I would be doomed to carry around on my body forever. My mind screamed the only way to avoid either fate is to get rid of the offending material right now! Only purging would quiet the voices. Even now, in recovery I still experience it from time to time. For example yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend. I was late so I asked my friend to order a salad (of her choice) for me! When I arrived at the café, I saw a mozzarella salad on our table.

For me! Come on! I can’t have dairy!!! I mean I do not eat it for quite a while and I feel great without it. What the hell she was thinking while ordering that mozzarella? She knows I do not eat dairy. Does she want me to get fat?  
Silly, of course, but this is just an example. This happens to me quite often. I may be managing my behavior well (no binging/purging) but my mind still on the bulimic side.
Only recently I started learning how to quiet those voices and then the panic goes away as well.
When I start thinking with pessimism or doubt, I can feel completely sure that it is my overprotective, worried head that is talking to me.  I guess the primary unconscious function of it is simply to protect me. But, its not the part of me I should always listen to. Negativity will always silence my heart and spirit, which are the parts of me that lead me to full life with joy and purpose. So my mission is to keep my mind positive as much as I can.
Hell, I ate the salad and had the greatest time with my friend.
Other things I enjoyed on Saturday were:
My "children" Ha-ha.

Some snaking on the turkey, almonds, dried prunes and wine.

And the Vogue.

I got my first Christmas card from Chanel.

Do you struggle with the screaming voices in your head?
How do you deal with them?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Out of “Coma”

Hello everyone/someone/anyone???!!! I missed you all so much. Being away made me realize that though I only have some “internet” friends, I still consider you all true real-life friends and am so happy to be back here blogging and reading about what you all have been up to.

Life is beautiful.
Recovery – sucks.
Some things/events just sent to some kind of coma

 – and you feel nothing. Emptiness. And as you don’t turn to food to fill you up anymore – you fell numb, lost and scared – well maybe do not you – I DID.
Now I realize that such “floating” does nothing good to me. I need to participate and feel and experience and BE.
I realize that my writing doesn’t make much sense, however – early in my recovery I have decided to live a better life. A life of compassion and gentleness and hope, with no more anger, no more anguish, no more doubt.
My heart was exhausted from all the fighting, the worrying, and the pain. I decided then and there that I would strive each day toward eliminating these emotions from my life. I was simply too tired and weak to carry that burden any more.
But in life you can’t simply block those bad emotions.
You fall. And then get up. Even if it’s the millionth of times. GET UP. It’s never too late. Ever. Believe me.
I get up.
Last night I had my Beaujolais .

And some take away sushi and shasimi.

I forgot to buy some fashion magazines… so that’s on today’s agenda…

Saturday, November 26, 2011

My Silent Week

Last week my cousin passed away.
She was 38.
She had a breast cancer.
I will always love her…

On my way to the funeral I bought these.

Monday, November 21, 2011

First Thing in the Morning

In spite my love for coffee. And that I can’t imagine my morning, day or evening without it. The first thing in the morning is not a cup of that divine drink.
The first thing I do in the morning (besides going to the bathroom) is feeding my cats.

And then goes coffee.
A cup after a cup…

Sharing my last night’s dinner: chicken wings. Yes I’m a carnivore. Nom nom.

What’s the first thing in the morning you do?