I’m Off to Africa

Despite my bikini fears.

Despite that I feel huge.

Despite that I don‘t the hell know what I’ll be eating/drinking the next week.

I‘m off to Africa tonight.

I’ll be living in a 5* hotel and I know I’ll have the internet access I won’t be posting the whole week.

But I’ll be reading blogs of my wonderful friends from all over the world.

As you see I was already there 7 years ago.

See you in a week.

Where Do I Come From

As you have noticed my English is terrible. And I APOLOGISE for that. The reason is that English is the third language I speak therefore my language skills are far away from perfect. I speak Lithuanian (my native language) and fluent Russian. I know French and German and English. I blog in English because I want to share my life with people who have similar interests and English enables me to do so.

Thus more of where do I come from:

• I live in Lithuania. A country that has 3,3 million inhabitants.

• I speak Lithuanian. The language is the oldest living language of the Indo-European family. 8.83.6% of the Lithuanian population are ethnic Lithuanians who speak the Lithuanian language.

• In 14th century Lithuania was the biggest country in Europe: it included present territories of Belarus and Ukraine, part of Poland and part of Russia.

• Lithuania has 99 kilometers (61.5 mi) of sandy coastline.

• Lithuania was the last pagan country in Europe that accepted Christianity. Yes, we’re slow.

• Lithuania is the Geographical Centre of Europe is 26 km to the North of Vilnius (the capital) as it was found by The National Institute of Geography in France.

• Lithuania is a land of storks. Every year there are around 15,000 pairs of white storks raising their young.

• Lithuania is one of the several countries in the world where the most popular sport is Basketball. Yes, we’re tall. I myself 178 cm (5’10)

• Lithuania is the only country in the world having national perfume. “The Scent of Lithuania” is perfume for home. It holds the entire history of our nation…

• Lithuanians first in the world invented way to make vodka from corn. Yes, we drink a lot. You can see it in my blog.

• The average Lithuanian, if asked about the national dishes, without blinking an eye would offer cepelinai (potato and meat dish), vėdarai (intestines stuffed with potatoes) or potato pancakes. Yuk!

• Lithuania is 1st in the world by the number of hot air balloons per resident.  And Vilnius is one of a few European capitals where you can fly with hot air balloons. I do it quite often.

• Lithuania owns the world record of blondes. I’m almost a blonde, but not quite.

• Not bad however it’s cold here: average temperature: January -5o C, July +17o C.

1 Where do you come from?

2 What languages do you speak?

3 Would you like to visit Lithuania?  

My Sex & The City I

I have nothing to blog about. Seriously. So here’s the other confession of the SushiVogueGirl – I’m obsessed with The Sex and The City.

I don’t know where to start explaining my fascination; so I just write some random things that come into my mind considering the exquisite series.

The final season and especially the last two episodes of Sex and the City was a fashion spectacular! Partly because it was the final season and Pat Field obviously wanted to go out with a WOW. Partly because the last two episodes were shot in Haute Couture heaven – Paris. And partly to make it the most unforgettable ending to the most unforgettable show.

For today’s Daily Ruffle I am sharing my love of this TV show and I picked one of the most iconic dresses of the show – THE DRESS OF A THOUSAND LAYERS. Carrie wears this Versace masterpiece in the last episode of the show while she’s waiting for Petrovsky in her very expensive hotel suite in romantic Paris. Retailing at $79000 this exquisite ball gown made up of layers and layers of delicate tulle and ruffles in a dreamy sea-foam/soft grey/gentle teal (the colors are just too deep to only give one) made my heart skip a beat.

 

While I’m revisiting my Sex and the City mania … didn’t you just love this moment when Carrie told The Russian about slipping in Dior:

Carrie: I fell. I fell in Dior. So I decided that the more I purchased the less they’d think of me as the American who fell in Dior.

Aleksandr : They don’t think like that.

Carrie: Well, not anymore they don’t. This is the shopping equivalent of a lobotomy.

Oh I’ll watch it again…

Does Skinny Connote Having an ED?

Today I wore black. I love this color. Other than, black makes me look skinny. Today, once again I was asked about having an eating disorder: Anorexia! I said “No! I’m an ex-bulimic. I’m in recovery” The curious person “You can’t be. You are too skinny for bulimic”

REALLY?

Why do people make such strong assumptions about other people? This is particularly annoying when you do not know someone. Take for example, an individual who is naturally skinny. There are just those skinny people in society. People who eat shitloads and they have no muscle mass and they’re boney and skinny. Why people judge about eating disorders based on appearance. Nothing is further from reality here except maybe what your ED head may be telling you. There are fat anorexics and there are skinny bulimics. There are binge eaters who never become overweight. THEY ALL STILL SUFFER NONE THE LESS. Also it seems other people (with active eating disorders) will walk by a skinny girl and then starve for a day. I was doing it. I promise. Now I eat a lot, by it I mean way more than 2000 calories per day, some days even WAY WAY WAY more. I am gaining weight – mostly muscle, because I lift weight and I lift heavy. I’m no way anorexic. I’m just lean. So why do others care so much? Why behind every skinny girl there should be an eating disorder? Isn’t it selfish, or self-centered?

Come on, people, separate yourself from your disordered mind and get on with life.

Also, today I made the most delicious chicken. I know my vegan friends will not approve, but damn, I like the bird. So there is a picture of my creation: chicken, zucchini and paprika - scrumptious!

So, what do you think about skinny people? Do you suspect them to have an ED of any kind?

Today I Cried

Have you ever noticed how life oftentimes seems to turn out backwards and sideways, upside down and inside out? When you finally have time to see your friends you then realize that you actually are too tired to call anyone or drive anywhere and end up staying home alone. Then when you have money in your wallet and head to the store to buy something cute, nothing fits or is left in your size and you walk away with nothing. Then you feel depressed so call your friends to hopefully help you get out of your funk but then everyone already has plans. And on it goes…

Today I cried. I haven’t done it since my early recovery days, when I just wanted to binge. Yes. I CRIED. I wanted it so bad, but just couldn’t do it anymore. There was no way back. And it helped!

Today I cried too. Not because I wanted the food, I just felt lonely. And I felt so much better after it.

Do you know why you’ll feel better after you cry: Have you ever gotten a canker sore in your mouth and your mom has had you rinse with warm salt water? Do you know why it helps to put salt in the water? Because salt has a healing agent in it. Similarly, I think when we experience healing when we cry because very purposely we have salt in our tears for a reason…to heal! (At least that’s my theory, which is my fancy way of saying it’s my opinion!). And if we can cry with someone rather than alone it really does help us feel loved while we’re releasing the intensity inside, even if the person we’re venting to is on the other end of the phone and not actually sitting with us. So go ahead. Cry!

And then I celebrated the national pasta day (thank you, for reminding this, Nicole) with sushi

and wine!

So what do you do on those days where things seem to squish out in every direction but the direction you want?

Numbers

I went shopping yesterday.

Yay!

I found a wonderful pencil skirt, got my size and freaked out!!! It did not fit! I got bigger! I rushed out of the store, got my coffee and thought of what has just happened.

Every time I had weighted myself I saw the number going up the scale. I hated it, I cursed – but I knew that it’s the recovery – I suppose to gain some weight. On the contrary my clothes had always fit. ALWAYS. Even when I went up 10 pounds. Yesterday I had faced the new number of my size. Damn. Yet again it became all about the numbers which I had been trying to avoid in my healing. I had stopped counting calories. It’s only a week that I had ditched the scales, and today it was the size – and I despised it yet again. Numbers are an interesting thing in eating disorder land. Numbers end up taking on a life of their own here. Between numbers on the scale, numbers of calories, and numbers on jeans, it’s an insane kind of bondage to digits that fuel an eating disorder.

Haven’t we all been there in some way, shape, or form where the numbers drive our happiness, peace or sense of well-being?

I don’t want to get caught up in the numbers game but somehow once those numbers are in my head they just don’t leave. It’s such a double bind because on one hand the numbers help me feel in control; for example  knowing what the scale reads or exactly how many calories I’m putting in my mouth or what size jeans still fit, but in the end the numbers end up controlling me. It’s almost like the numbers come alive and have power over me and then I become enslaved to them.

How could I ever be free from numbers? Is it even possible? Are you free? Share, please.

And join me for some coffee.

Just random thoughts

I’m having some awfully busy weeks lately.

I have no time for anything. Yesterday I canceled my nail appointment!!! I have never done it even in my worst bulimia days. There: I have it – issues with the time management. Any suggestions on that?..

Besides; this whole week was about going or not going to Africa in a week… I had my arguments, but I couldn’t convince my BF to cancel the trip. Why? Remember my “Bikini Fear”

I think never feeling “pretty enough” is something I have struggled with my whole life. When my eating disorder became my escape, I started blaming my feelings of inadequacy on my imperfect body. Now I am really seeing how much not feeling good enough has impacted my life in all areas and it doesn’t have anything to do with my body, no matter how much (even to this day) I want to believe that it does.

It’s so senseless to allow my insecurities to take over right now.

I’m sooooo much better :)

However I’m going. We are going. Sandy beaches; the Red sea here I come

So despite my idiotic thoughts and the lack of time I’m preparing for my Sushi Vogue Night. This is ready

I just need to go grab The magazine J and I’m all set!

How do you operate your time?

Dreadful Monday

On Mondays I weigh myself.

I step on the scale see those numbers and I curse out loud. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK!

I get depressed and rethink my food choices promising myself to “do better” this week...

Why do I keep doing it to myself?!.

This morning I realise - those numbers mean NOTHING and it is time to remove them from my life forever!

Whether I see “good numbers” or “bad numbers” when I step onto that scale I experience a substantial increase in anxiety levels and urges to either binge or restrict; and restricting always leads to further bingeing in the end.

Today rethinking all that ugly Monday process I realized that in recovery I don’t need a scale to measure my progress.

I mean, my well-being, confidence and energy levels have exceedingly improved.  And they are the true indicators of the progress that I am making. All continually checking my weight keeps me trapped in those obsessive and compulsive thought patterns.

At the start of my recovery I decided to weigh myself once a week. Only once - on Mondays.

Today I’ve undestood that even though I was only checking my weight once a week I remain a slave to those numbers. I still use them for comfort and I know I would never really recover while I am so dependent on them.

 So today I took a bigger plunge.

I gave the batteries of my digital scale to my BF and told him to hide them. Forever. It was hard. Painful. Scary.
Thus I’m freeing myself from the scale today and celebrating it with this (the dinner) 

and this

Did or when you stopped weighting yourself?

Children...

Yesterday I and my boy had attended our friends’ baby christening. There were lots of food, fun, laughter and children. All of our friends have kids, hoards, and hoards of kids. Which is just awesome for them, and I am not envious one bit.

I must have been injected with a vaccine for baby-fever because kids aren’t in my cards. Yet.

I’ve never really wanted kids since I was little and everyone always said “You’ll change your mind one day.”
Well, I’m 34, my BF is 35 and he feels the same way. I have had people tell me I am selfish for not wanting a child.
Really?!
It pushes my buttons, this little old baby topic. I am not naive enough to say never, god knows what I’ll think tomorrow, let alone years from now. It drives me nuts that people my age assume all women want children.

Apparently not all of us do.

I hate the sad, pitying looks I get from people when I express this view, and the “Life is SO much better” line.

Plus there is that big looming question out there: “What will you do when your 50 and regret NOT having a kid?!”

Well, the fact of the matter is I don’t know what I’ll do as I can’t predict what my feelings will be in 12 years. Can you?

What’s your take on children? Please answer that.

It’s Friday: Time for Sushi and Chanel.

It’s an internal battle right now, about everything. I am really struggling with perfection in a very intense way and it’s not manifesting itself in eating disorder behaviors but it triggers my eating disorder thoughts like crazy!

The days, the weeks, the evens I had been through this week were always celebrated with huge weekend binges, later on binges/purges, as if I was gobbling up all the negativity of the week in one enormous feast of food. 

But I’m a survivor.

I no longer turn to food.

I indulge differently.

This Friday it’s Nicole’s Yoga, the Sushi, Chanel and Vino.

Yesterday I’ve watched the new Chanel fashion show.  Karl presented another collection to dream about. So this evening I dine on my old Chanel book

and sushi.

I feel alive.

What’s your favorite indulgence?

Bikini fear

At the end of October me and my boy are planning to hit the Africa – Egypt and Morocco, I believe. The sun the sea and sandy beaches are the things that we, cold climate country people are looking for in the middle of autumn.

And I’M NOT EXCITED AT ALL.

I fear bikini.

I am repulsed by undressing in front of people.

Even my BF. Ok, not so much in front of him, but still... HATE IT.

I despise to be looked at, examined, judged…

And it doesn’t matter what weight I am.

And again – it matters, because the scale says – EAT! You’re not gaining! You look sick!

Earlier this year while visiting Austria and being 7 months in recovery, eating healthy and enjoying life, I was called anorexic. Damn, it was hurtful. I had never been true anorexic. Well maybe for a couple of months.  And I had never attempted to be one. I truly frowned on looking at the images of the ones who suffer from this awful disease. It is unbearable. Yet I looked like one…

Today I weight the same.

Do you think I would look good in a bikini?..

So that’s only one of things that affect my not so good mood in my not so good week while I’m trying to figure out how to escape out of it.

Today I did Zumba instead of weight lifting.

Had a wonderful salmon salad for lunch.

And after a couple of rice cakes with tuna on top

I’m thinking of what to have for dinner…

nevertheless still fearing the bikini and the coming vocation in the south...

How do you feel in your bikini?

Unperfect

This week is full of chaos.

Being the perfectionist that I am, I still get caught up in the belief that my recovery has to be PERFECT. I think that since I am doing well now and since I am healthier and living a more balanced life, there is no room for error. I think that everyone will be disappointed in me if I have a momentary slip-up, get sad, angry or overwhelmed. That after having the third in a row chaotic day I will scream and cry of despair in wanting to binge and then throw up. So, if I do get stuck in the moment when I’m trying to decide whether to binge, I usually just want to hide – even more now than when I was totally in my eating disorder.

But the reality is that everyone has bad days. Everyone gets overwhelmed and tired and scared. The craving does not mean that I am 100% living my life with my eating disorder again.

At the same time, there is a really fine line. Is it okay to excuse one behavior; like throwing up just this once, because I just choose not to deal with the bad stuff in life? For me, it isn’t. I do not want to deal with these same situations for the rest of my life. Even when I feel as if I can’t deal with life.

I am not perfect, and my journey is not without a few wrong turns.

It’s only 5pm in the afternoon, but I’m opening my wine and having a long wine evening. In peace.

How do you deal with difficult days?

Remembering September III

So after 9 months of recovery, the relapse and my cat still missing – I restarted my journey in prayers not ever go back. Recovery is not all roses at all. It’s difficult. It’s tiring. It makes you cry and laugh or both at the same time. It makes you go deep in to your heart and face your demons, because at the end your ED is not just about the food or being skinny – IT’S WAY BEYOND IT – it’s about your fears and insecurities and pain – so many things you’ve wrapped up in cupcakes, ice-cream or whatever you could find on the hand and shoveled it down your throat to numb yourself from whatever you don’t like feeling – sometimes it’s pain, sometimes it’s boredom, sometimes it’s happiness that are so hard to accept.

In real life you have to deal with those – and there’s no turning into food. And the food itself is an issue – you fear it the most. The food thoughts still haunt you every day. Some days more than the others. You eat. Digest. Fell uncomfortable because the food (the “enemy”) sits in your stomach. You want to throw up after every meal. It’s uncomfortable. You are healing.

But it gets easier. I promise. And this promise is to myself, because I mainly blog for myself. It helps. Writing down things is liberating and it fells amazing.

As for my cat(s).

So Missy was missing for more than a month, when I got a phone call from one of the Russian blue breeders who had read my article in the local newspaper about missing my cat. She had offered me a baby kitten as a gift, because she felt very sorry for my loss. I did not accept it. I did not want any other cat especially the Russian blue which would remind me about my Missy. But my BF insisted on taking him. He though it’ll be good for me. I was very skeptical about the whole thing until I saw our baby-boy and took him into my arms. He was love. We called him Mukas.

It had been a week since Mukas made a home in our hearts and home. One evening I heard my BF calling Missy out loud – I thought he was crazy – we had Mukas now. But he was calling our princess who came back after 50 days of being gone. Missy returned home. I have no words to describe the happiness I felt. And I won’t go into detail of how skinny and trembling she was. The first days of her return all she did was eating and sleeping. The 50 days which she spend god knows where had exhausted her, she was sick and weak. The vet guessed that someone just kept her imprisoned, because the analysis showed that she was fed, though she did not eat much. But she was home. And now she had “a brother”. There were some serious fights the first week, but finally they got along wonderfully and now are inseparable.

The summer was tough. I lost my cat, I had a relapse, I went to Paris and got the other cat, and the old one had returned home. Consequently it’s a WIN. Life is magical no matter what challenges it may bring us every day.

So in honoring September I want to thank YOU for reading my ramblings on life as it is. Not perfect but sincere – just the way I like it.

Nothing Sweet for Me

I admit I eat a very limited diet. I eat a lot of protein and fat. I limit my carbs. If I don’t I’ll binge. If I binge I’ll go crazy and I may purge… this is the worst and I want what’s best for me – there fore I eat SAFE. I can eat rice, but only a few tomatoes, I can have all green vegetables I want, but fruit is a big no no. If I crave sweet things I have my nuts – they are fat and carbs – they are my friends, however I keep them in small bags and never ever buy in bulk even though it’s much cheaper.

I’m happy with my diet but of course sometimes I get bored. So today for my first meal a-ka snack I decided to have one of my BF food bars:

He always encourages me to have them, because they are good, healthy and are prefect for the post workout snack. I examined the label: all natural made from nuts, seeds and dried berries and all natural agave syrup (!!!) but on the whole - all healthy.

So I consumed one.

And it was good. I could really taste nuts and berries, but it was soooooo sweet. After five minutes I craved the other one BIG TIME! I was ready to kill someone to have that bar.

No wonder - I am addicted to sugar so in my case, anything sweet is a drug, and I absolutely get out of control when I have it.

Thus instead of that delicious creation (I’ll never have again) I ate my usual – eggs.

My blood sugar stabilized and I could go one with my deeds.

Is there anything healthy that causes you cravings?

Confessions of the SushiVogue-Girl

Today while shopping for some sushi ingredients I had a small chat with the shop girl and she said that she and her colleague liked me and called me “the sushivogue girl” because I always bought the sushi ingredients and some kind of fashion magazine.

“You’re very skinny” one of them said.

It sounded divine. I fell in love with that girl at that very moment. I wanted her to be my friend and my family forever… my old bulimic self wanted to go on and chat about how healthy I eat in order to stay so slim…

But the real me had replied: “I had an eating disorder.”

Here I’d said it to a complete stranger whom I wanted to be my friend just a few seconds ago. Now she supposed to freak out and think that I am a mutant of some kind. But SHE SMILED and said:

“Hope you are getting better”

And I smiled back “Oh, yes, I AM!”

I left the shop calm and content. And I will go back there – that’s something I could have never done just a year ago - feeling shame and discomfort about others knowing my dishonorable secret.

It was so easy to say it to some strangers. It’s kind of easy to blog about it but I still can’t confess to people I love. I don’t even want to… and this is tearing me apart…

So tonight was a Sushi/Vogue night:

I ate these

and enjoyed them with some of this.

Do/did your love ones know about your problems? How do/did you approach them?