I went shopping yesterday.
Yay!
I found a wonderful pencil skirt, got my size and freaked out!!! It did not fit! I got bigger! I rushed out of the store, got my coffee and thought of what has just happened.
Every time I had weighted myself I saw the number going up the scale. I hated it, I cursed – but I knew that it’s the recovery – I suppose to gain some weight. On the contrary my clothes had always fit. ALWAYS. Even when I went up 10 pounds. Yesterday I had faced the new number of my size. Damn. Yet again it became all about the numbers which I had been trying to avoid in my healing. I had stopped counting calories. It’s only a week that I had ditched the scales, and today it was the size – and I despised it yet again. Numbers are an interesting thing in eating disorder land. Numbers end up taking on a life of their own here. Between numbers on the scale, numbers of calories, and numbers on jeans, it’s an insane kind of bondage to digits that fuel an eating disorder.
Haven’t we all been there in some way, shape, or form where the numbers drive our happiness, peace or sense of well-being?
I don’t want to get caught up in the numbers game but somehow once those numbers are in my head they just don’t leave. It’s such a double bind because on one hand the numbers help me feel in control; for example knowing what the scale reads or exactly how many calories I’m putting in my mouth or what size jeans still fit, but in the end the numbers end up controlling me. It’s almost like the numbers come alive and have power over me and then I become enslaved to them.
How could I ever be free from numbers? Is it even possible? Are you free? Share, please.
And join me for some coffee.
I've come to terms with the fact that the numbers will always be there. It is too hard trying to cut them out of life completely, they always end up popping up somehow. I think once you accept that the numbers will always be there, it is easier to work on paying less attention to them. They will always be there, saying something, so what difference does it make?
ReplyDeleteIt is a horrible feeling being a different size to what you expected though. At least your coffee looks lovely!
Elyza,I think I’m getting a booty.:))
ReplyDeleteHahaha!
ReplyDeleteIf you do have a booty, I'm sure it will be bootylicious!!
yeah! welcome to the booty club! ;)
ReplyDeletenumbers? ha. i'll never be free of numbers. just to give you an example:
1. whenever humanly possible, i do everything three times because three squared is nine which is my favourite number. but i don't like 19. so 19 is never an option. i can never accept anything with the number 19. when i pump gasoline, the sale amount must always end at $0.09. if i go over .09, i'll need to pump another gallon, threatening an oil spill! people have heard me swearing at the gasoline pump, trying to beat the number game.
2. back in the day, during my anorexia in 1999, i developed a rule that when jogging past a house with a presented house number on the front, i would need to mentally say that house number in spanish. and i still do that, to this day. it's ridiculous and drives me crazy, but i can't stop. sometimes i will not look at the house, and that helps. it's nice when i'm walking in the enchanted forrest, for that reason. no house numbers!
3. when driving my automobile and approaching the entrance to a tunnel, i will say the "hail mary" thrice before entering. i say it really fast in my head because often the tunnels come quickly. and i don't even consider myself to be catholic anymore yet i've held onto this hail mary requirement.
oh well! :)
Your numbers are fun, Nicole. You just play with them. I wonder do you still have issues with your size, or weight?
ReplyDeletesize or weight? no, because i've been able to comfortably maintain my size for quite some time now.
ReplyDeleteoh, but yes, if i'm at the store and the "extra small" or "0 or 2" don't fit, and the salesperson suggests a higher size, i'll laugh and say, "no, i was bulimic. i don't accept larger sizes into my closet or onto my body. the tag will kill me."
but it's been a while since i've needed to say that. :)