I’m struggling a bit, but as my friend Nicole says “no matter how much one might be hurt, stressed, or angry - things will never be bad. They will never be bulimic, ever, ever again. Therefore, because of that, life is always good”
However, in this beautiful non bulimic life there are things I stress about. One of them is Monday.
Mondays are my weight ins.
And today I feel large.
Even though i managed to kick the B/P habit, I am still nervous of what would happen to my weight...
I’d started my recovery being underweight. Consequently, I expected and even WANTED to gain some kilos. I clearly recall my first weight in after a whole B/P free week:
I had terrible visions of myself gaining 2 or 3 kg’s in my first week of recovery.
But I was committed to it so much - I stayed away from the scales for 1 week...
When I came to weight myself - I felt faint. I was SHOCKED!
I had gained 4 kg’s (10 pounds) in 1 week!
I thank God that I didn’t throw in the towel that day... But I was so close.
I still am – every time the Monday comes. Every Monday I’m a bit heavier and every Monday I play the same talk with myself:
You are eating too much.
You eat too much fat.
You don’t exercise enough.
You should start doing some cardio…
You should count calories.
Stop drinking wine.
Then I have to stop myself, and remind that my body is healing. That the body I had hated for so long has to find it's natural weight where it functions best. It's the weight where my skin will glow and my hair will shine. It's the weight where I'll be most fertile and have the greatest longevity...
But when it’s enough? When does the peace come?
Maybe after hiding the scale?
Why do I weight? Why does the number still defines me?
It’s just the number. It’s not me.
I really hope to forget to weight next Monday.
How often do you weight yourself?
Hi Greta- One of my biggest fears in the universe is giving up my bulimia because I'm terrified what will happen in that first week or few weeks on the scale. I weigh myself daily, sometimes more often. I read many blogs about recovered bulimics and anoxerics but I never hear the story told about what exactly happened to your body when you gave it up. Did you gain weight at first? Did it stay or did it go away once your body settled down and got used to it? Are you still gaining and at what pace? Did people notice the 10lbs when they saw you? Did the 10 pounds affect your clothes? Could you still fit into them? When does the weight gain stop if at all?
ReplyDeleteHi, Elyse.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand you. I was ready for recovery for so long, however one of the reasons I was postponing – weight gain.
Those 10 pounds were the first and the biggest weigh I’d gain in my recovery.
However
1. it was WATER WEIGHT most bulimics live in a state of dehydration. I was no different. My entire body was constantly screaming out for water...
2. FOOD IN MY TUMMY There is now food sitting in my tummy... Which is digesting, instead of being thrown up... This has a weight too. Realistically, around 3-4 pounds
3. FAT of course I had gained some of it. I think at the beginning of recovering from bulimia, the body does try to store some extra fat...
This is because it’s not completely convinced that the ‘famine’ is over...
It still thinks...
‘I might have to throw this up or ‘Food might be denied again soon’
But my clothes still fit. And even I’d gained weight – I’m still underweight. That’s why I don’t post current pictures of myself.
As for people's comments – no there weren’t any. Oh maybe because of my bloat – that’s the other issue I’m dealing with. I guess I need to make a post on that too.
Take care, honey. You think about recovery and that’s a big step and one day you’ll be ready to break free!
Thank you responding. One other question, this may be too personal, but once you stopped, did you body still try to make you purge? Every time I eat a large meal it comes up without even trying. I fear my body has trained itself to do this rather than keep it down. Other than the weight gain, how else has your body changed? Does it try to make you purge, or did it at least in the beginning? Thank you for this blog, I find your candor refreshing. Some other blogs seem like their posts are so calculated, yours seems very heartfelt. I appreciate the life after bulimia isn't all roses perspective.
ReplyDeleteMy recovery is not ‘all roses’ at all it’s an everyday battle. You know, I had a relapse after a year of B/P free?! What a hell? It continued for a whole month. Here I’m again – making my life better. I promise I’ll make my next post about my body changes after bulimia.
ReplyDeletegreta, easier said than done, but i would toss your scale. you are a girl of fashion, so gauge your progress on how the clothes feel, not on what the scale says. i can feel your stress and pain as you stand in front of that scale, as you think about that number, all day on sunday, fearing it like the plague before monday arrives. do not, however, give up the wine. :) xx
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. Fuck scales.
ReplyDelete