I thought of giving up primal.
Well not completely. I love non processed food, fresh meat, vegetables and good fats, but I thought that I am smart and strong enough to start making my own decisions,while not following any diet patterns.
A week ago I’d received this beautiful box of French chocolate truffes.
Even without looking at the nutrition facts I knew it was not 85% or even 70% dark chocolate – therefore no way I could enjoy it. Because it’s not primal and because it’ll give me cravings I desperately want to avoid.
But a few days ago I craved it badly.
I had waited for 15 minutes, drank wanted, then drank some cinnamon tea – I still wanted chocolate – just a couple of those truffes. I was terrified. In my bulimic life the one in my mouth was always the precursor to the ten that came after it and the two bags after that. In a normal dieting mentality, giving me chocolate would be like handing an ax to an ax murderer. A few days before I’d not had a good experience with the chocolate either. However I thought I could handle it. I sat down. Focused on what I was doing and took one bite…
One bite.
It was divine.
I took that bite slowly, as if heaven existed right here, right now, and I’d deserved to experience it.
I had two of those.
I put the box away.
After a half on an hour I was having ten more… there I panicked.
What the hell was happening? I was mad, furious, frustrated. I was facing all bad about being a failure yet again…
But it wasn’t the worst – I started to experience some fatigue and sluggishness. My body felt sick.
I’d sucked it up. Had my wine and went to bed.
The next morning I wrote this: If sugar is a food that causes me to want more of it, and if I eat more than what feels good in my body, then I have a decision to make: Do I keep sugar in my life because it tastes good, or do I eliminate it because I don,t feel good when I'm eating it?
My body wants to feel good. It wants energy. It wants to feel alive and passionate about the new day.. I have to return to trusting my body because it knows what to eat. My mind however might not know. My mind might be screaming and shouting that it wants chocolate cake, but my body might be asking for an apple. I have to return to the voice of your body. Trust that much.
I love chocolate. I’ll miss chocolate. However me and chocolate – NO MATCH.
Did you eliminate certain food or food groups ? And why?
YES. i do not eat anything from animals from which i can cuddle. so, that eliminates dairy, meat, and eggs. i eat fish because i cannot cuddle with fish. also, the cuddle excuse is my compassionate way of saying, "i don't eat that stuff because i'd binge on it." i also do not eat anything processed or white. i ate wheat spaghetti on friday, and that was a treat. i also do not eat fruit that isn't native to my climate. so, that eliminates everything except apples and pears. besides, i'd binge on anything else. so, yes, i eliminate many food groups. but i'm happy, functional, and healthy on what i do consume. your box of chocolate is gorgeous, and i'm glad that you discovered that chocolate's a no go for you. don't ever feel bad about eliminating food groups to manage bulimia. as you know, it's so much more important to manage the habit than to succumb. thank you for sharing this story. it'll make so many others feel less alone in their struggles. xx
ReplyDeleteNicole, I’m so glad I’d “met” you.
ReplyDeleteI tried the conventional bulimia healing – planed food, moderation thing. It DID NOT WORK!
So I ate safe food, but always felt guilty, because I thought that it does not mean that I’m recovering. You are the proof that there are conventional ways of overcoming ED monsters. Thank you.
Greta, I have this weird theory that people who eat sweets hate themselves! but that might be just because that is how I feel when I do. Good on you for not losing all hope when you ate them the second time- it is like someone flipped a switch in your brain right? I really enjoy your blog and can relate. Good luck and stay strong.
ReplyDeletep.s. I have been trying to just avoid keeping anything sweet in the house, if I want it I eat some outside but something individual and freshly made. Then I am satisfied and it is over. Having it in the house is the issue for me.
Thank you for your comment and advice. I really try not to have anything triggering in my house. If there’s something it’s always a gift which I try to get rid of as quickly as I can. But you know – I LIKED THE BOX :))and I kept it. Not happening anymore!
ReplyDelete