Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Voices

I must confess that since the bulimia had started I could never escape the screaming voices in my head. Almost always after eating something that felt remotely bad my mind used to erupt into a deafening tirade of insults, anxiety, and sheer panic that I was killing myself or, worse, that I was gaining what would surely be about 100 pounds that I would be doomed to carry around on my body forever. My mind screamed the only way to avoid either fate is to get rid of the offending material right now! Only purging would quiet the voices. Even now, in recovery I still experience it from time to time. For example yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend. I was late so I asked my friend to order a salad (of her choice) for me! When I arrived at the café, I saw a mozzarella salad on our table.

For me! Come on! I can’t have dairy!!! I mean I do not eat it for quite a while and I feel great without it. What the hell she was thinking while ordering that mozzarella? She knows I do not eat dairy. Does she want me to get fat?  
Silly, of course, but this is just an example. This happens to me quite often. I may be managing my behavior well (no binging/purging) but my mind still on the bulimic side.
Only recently I started learning how to quiet those voices and then the panic goes away as well.
When I start thinking with pessimism or doubt, I can feel completely sure that it is my overprotective, worried head that is talking to me.  I guess the primary unconscious function of it is simply to protect me. But, its not the part of me I should always listen to. Negativity will always silence my heart and spirit, which are the parts of me that lead me to full life with joy and purpose. So my mission is to keep my mind positive as much as I can.
Hell, I ate the salad and had the greatest time with my friend.
Other things I enjoyed on Saturday were:
My "children" Ha-ha.

Some snaking on the turkey, almonds, dried prunes and wine.

And the Vogue.

I got my first Christmas card from Chanel.

Do you struggle with the screaming voices in your head?
How do you deal with them?


  1. Oh I do!!!! I just wrote a blog about it tonight. It was a hard day and it was screaming at me all day, so it was a relief to just get it out. Put it on paper. Not have it a secret any more.
    But it's not a secret, sadly we all seem to have our own inner voice.
    Most of the time, I'm now able to use mindfulness and practising being impartial to notice the voice - and let it go. I think it will always be there. But I have a choice about how much power I give it.
    Proud of you for enjoying your meal with your friend :)

  2. Oh, my friend, there’s no doubt that all of us with disordered eating struggle with screaming voices… I’ve read your post and I felt all your pain… I mean I was there, I still sometimes am. But those voices aren’t as strong as a few years before and changing my thinking is just what I’m striving for all along. Hope they’ll quiet for you too.

  3. the voices have their own identity entirely. it's like our bodies are split, with two heads. we are two headed monsters, but we must make the best of our two headed value by blogging and raising awareness for those seeking comfort, seeking recovery, and seeking a means to be 'healthy' before ever embarking onto a lifelong road of eating disordered hell. i want to know: did you have drinks with your friend? i hope so! and i hope to be that lunch friend someday! mwah, SushiVogue Chanel xmas card girl! :) x

  4. Hi Greta. This is my first time visiting your blog, but after reading your article here, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts too. I guess when I am successful in being able to remain calm when faced with food, I generally try to take a deep breath and be in my own skin, just be myself. I try to think that it's only food, and nothing but food. It will not hurt me, it is not going to kill me.

  5. Nicole, I despise those voices, however I still hear them quite often. This makes me once again to understand that recovery is not about escaping the behaviors, but about changing the feelings and thoughts.
    And no, I did not have a drink with my friend. I usually do not drink during the day as I always have to do some driving afterwards. Loving my wine in the evenings ;)

  6. Asuma, thank you for stopping by. Your advice is really sweet and I will definitely keep working on my feelings towards the food.