Falling in Love with Food. Part One.

I’m falling in love with food.

Yes it’s a sentence written by ex-bulimic.

One may wonder wasn’t life always about food? Oh, yes. It WAS.

I thought I liked food and I liked it too much. I mean I was thinking about it every moment. I was spending all my hard earned money on it. I was willing to drive 20 miles out of my way for my favorite snack. I was over the moon about food. I loved food. I really thought so. Boy I was wrong.

The connection between me and food was so close, deep and affectionate – it seemed like love. However it was not. It was some screwed, abused based relationship - sick passion with the trace of despair, emptiness and hearted for life.

I wanted out of this relationship. I wanted it to be over. Permanently.

But of course, I couldn’t give up eating altogether.

I knew I had to change my connection to eating somehow. Thus I thought I needed to start enjoying it less, not more!

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

As soon as I started recovery I ate crap. Some plain chicken breast with broccoli. Tuna inn brine. Fat free yogurt. I hated it.

Then again I had no idea how to fix my relationship with food.

One afternoon  while spending  time with my BF, after not seeing him for whole three days, I was thinking of how much I loved him, and how dear  the time that we were spending together was. Then it hit me:

I had never loved food. I had not actually liked it at all.

I mean when you love something, you spend time with it. You pay attention to it. You enjoy it. And although I thought incessantly about food, I used to consume meals as if they were stolen pleasures. As if I was not really allowed to have them, let alone had rollicking times eating them.

For me food was not allowed to be itself: a source of pleasure, joy, and nourishment. Instead, food was the middleman between feeling something I didn’t want to feel and numbing or distracting myself from feeling it. I did not eat for enjoyment, taste, or particular sensations, I ate for the effect the food had on me. Food was my drug of choice.

There’s No Right Food Philosophy

After discovering Nicole’s blog I have been rethinking my diet.


I always do after I stumble upon some ED recovery’s philosophy on food. I find it miraculous when food works as a collaborator in their healing. And sure I always want to try it. Maybe it is better than mine; maybe it’ll heal me too.


WRONG.


When I was ready for recovery a year ago, I needed a plan. The books I had read on Bulimia proclaimed the structured eating plan and the legalization of all food. The plan sounded good, but I could never stick to eat. EVER. Feeling a failure I dig deeper to the net and found out some interesting recovered girls’ stories proclaiming the different approach to food – vegetarian, vegan, sugar free, gluten free, low carb, eating chocolate every day, intuitive diet, eating six times a day, fasting for a half of the day and so on and so forth…


And I’ve tried them all.


Some of them lasted for a week, some for a half of the day. And instead of feeling a failure this time I pretended to be a detective in a search for my own holy grail. It took time, but I found it, stuck to it and was healed. (Of course food was just a part of the whole recovery, but the big one)


I guess, my rambling today is about how no diet or way of eating is ever going to work the same for two people.


Even though we share the same history of the disease, similar interests and views on the world - we are not the same. One will never know what works for him until he allows himself to find out. Following other peoples path doesn’t work. Recovery means discovering what you are. What do you like eating? When do you like eating? How do you feel after eating certain foods, and what do you really crave: the chocolate or a hug? It will never be the same as it is for Nicole or for me, or other ex-bulimic. There’s no right recovery or food philosophy, cause at the end we all look for the happiness and health.


Speaking on my philosophy: last night’s dinner:

Scrambled eggs

wine

and goat cheese. Yes, it's dairy. I'm so bad....

So, do you have your food philosophy?

Avoiding The Pitfall Of Comparing Myself To Others

So I have a very beautiful model like colleague. We’re friends. At work we eat lunch together, chat over a cup of coffee in the lounge and enjoying eatch other’s company. She is very friendly and nice, but there are days like yesterday I start comparing myself to her:
She’s so much more beautiful than me.
She is smarter.
She is so sociable. People like her way more than me.
Her boobs are bigger
I wish my hair was like that.
Her clothes are better.
Her legs are so much longer than mine.
That girls body is amazing, so much better than mine...
She smiles so beautifully, I wish to smile like that.
She eats whatever she likes but she could be the Victoria Secrets' model, if she’d wanted to.
And so on and so forth.
Comparing, comparing, comparing...
It’s exhausting.
Comparing myself to her is always like fuelling my bulimia...
She’s all I’m not….

But DO I HAVE TO BE?
I DON,T .
Because I’M NOT HER.
I AM ENOUGH, I HAVE ENOUGH, I DO ENOUGH.
Learning to be me… UNPERFECT ;)

 Take care, sweeties ;)

(ex) Bulimic + Bodybuilder = A Match?

So I happen to be living with a Bodybuilder for two years now.
My BF has been serious about weight lifting for more than ten years so he knows what he does. Yes, his dedication and enthusiasm lead me to weight lifting, though he had never pushed or forced me into this. So that’s a plus.
But the best thing for (ex) Bulimic living with a Bodybuilder is food.
We eat healthy.
No junk food is found in our house.
We are happy.
We don’t have sugar, flour or bread.
We eat vegetables, fruit, protein (chicken, fish and some beef) eggs, cottage cheese, plain yogurt, nuts, protein powders, healthy oils and drink wine.
Ok, I don’t do fruit (I likely to binge on it), protein powder (it’s just not a food for me), and I try to stay away from dairy.
Isn’t it cool? There is no place for my eating disorder in my house!!!

As for tonight we fed on chicken and tomatoes and the wine.

That's my portion :)

I wonder, what’s your match?

Day One of the Challenge

Day One of the Primal Blue Challenge iscomplete.
I guess my challenge even would be not to eat Primal, but to try and taste new foods, because I usually eat the same things over and over again.
For example my day starts with coffee and planning for the day.

Later on I have a snack of this

or tuna, or some chicken.

Lunch is usually big salad consisting of greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, sunflower, sesame and pumpkin seeds dressed with sesame and olive oil plus a big portion of some kind of protein chicken, fish or beef.

Then I snack on nuts while working.

My dinners are similar to lunches or me and my boy go out.
Finally I have a glass of wine and if I’m hungry I eat some tuna, eggs or cheese (well no more).
Boring.

Perhaps it’s time for some change?…

The New Challenge

I’m committing to do The Primal Blueprint 30 Day Challenge

This does not much differ from my way of eating.
However my challenge is to eliminate dairy from my diet, because it really upsets my stomach.
As well as once again truly commit to weight lifting and try some new stuff, like yoga.

So, day one is TODAY.

I'm back

So, I had a relapse.
After having an awesome vocation in the wonderful Austria,

my past ED demons have caught me…for the past several months I had some bad and good days trying to figure out what had set me back - why do I chose food instead of dealing with my feelings, frustrations and anxieties.
I didn’t want to turn my blog into m recovery journal, but I can’t escape from myself. Bulimia has been a huge part of my life. I thought I had recovered from it. Well, apparently I did not.
Back at square one.
I chose to recover.
As for my family. Now there are four of us me, my BF,and these two

our girl and the little boy.